singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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