I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
