Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize