Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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