im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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