if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
