I was born with a shot glass in my hand
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
