Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
