so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
