i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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