Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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