If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
