I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize