There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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