We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize