I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
