At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
