why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize