my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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