If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize