Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
