No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
