That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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