genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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