We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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