He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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