i don't like sucking hair
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
