My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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