Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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