When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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