woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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