I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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