you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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