I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
