I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
you're hired as official boob wrangler
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
