So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
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