Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Ladies don't puke and tell
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
