batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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