First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I got inside last night via doggy door
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
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