I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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