I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
