Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
