i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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