feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
