take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
