He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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