I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
