Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
