Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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