No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
