My sheets look like a crime scene.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
