I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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