I wish I could punch you in the face.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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