the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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