Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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