Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
