my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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