Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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