Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
