watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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