I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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