Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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